Teen Porn Use, Part 2
Worth Your Time!
Resource Recommendations to Help You Parent and Mentor Most Effectively
Porn, Part 2
Last week's Worth Your Time dealt with information about porn use among youth. This week I'll share thoughts and ideas about how to handle it.
Memes will resume next week. :)
Some general thoughts...
As I wrote last week, don't assume that a preteen or teen doesn't struggle with porn. Any young person can struggle with it, even when you think they don't have access.
Initiate the conversation. You're most likely not going to introduce the idea of porn to them. Their friend may have already done that when they were in 4th grade! Either way, it's not a matter of "if" but "when." It's better for them to hear about it from you than someone else.
If you wait for them to bring it up, it's likely that years of silent struggle will go by. If they're not currently struggling with it, great! You've at least opened the door for conversation and made it safe to come to you if and when they need to.
Don't ask, "Do you watch porn?" Most will deny it when asked directly like that. Instead, say something like, "I know porn can be a huge struggle for teenagers. How are you doing with that struggle?" If they're not struggling with it, they can still tell you that; however, if they are struggling with it, you've made it feel safer to be honest because they know you won't be shocked.
If you have younger kids...
One of the most common ways of first exposure to porn is through a friend, often in elementary school. Have you discussed what to do if a friend shows them porn?
Defend Young Minds may have helpful resources for you.
When teens get caught or voluntarily open up...
View teens who watch porn as captives, not rebels. How we view them produces different emotions, which impact how we respond.
React wisely. Speak honestly and do what needs to be done, but remember that your reaction may either keep communication open in the future or completely shut them down. It's okay to say, "I need 24 hours to process this, but we'll talk very soon. We'll work through this together, and I still love you."
They don't need help adding to their feelings of shame and self-hatred. When I've seen middle school and high school guys sob over the years, it's most often been because of porn. They need to be reminded of your unconditional love for them.
Your trust means a lot to them. I'll never forget the reaction of one young man when I asked him if he could talk to his dad about his struggle with porn. He put his head down on the table, sobbed, and through his tears said, "I'm afraid he won't trust me" - and sobbed some more. He looked up to his dad so much and wanted him to be proud of him, and he was afraid of letting him down and losing his trust. When trust is broken, reassure them that your love for them hasn't changed and never will.
If you caught them lying, find out WHY they lied. The reason might not have been fear of getting caught. Did they lie because they felt so ashamed? Did they lie because they feel like they're expected to be perfect? Did they lie because your love and trust means so much to them that they didn't want to disappoint you? This will help you deal with the deeper issues.
It's common for youth to go back to porn even if they stopped for a period of time, so continue to check in on them as they grow. Even if they previously got caught and got in trouble, it doesn't mean they won't do it again. Remember, captives.
How to help prevent it...
Help them figure out the patterns of when they're most likely to give in to temptation, and then help them create healthy alternatives.
Prevent access to electronics when they're alone in their bedroom.
Educate yourself on the long-term consequences of porn use on individuals, relationships, and society. Then, educate them. Fight the New Drug is a good place to start.
A Reminder...
This is an opportunity to share the hope we have in Christ and his grace to us. Remind them of Paul's words in 1 Timothy 1:15:17: "This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance: 'Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners' — and I am the worst of them. But I received mercy for this reason, so that in me, the worst of them, Christ Jesus might demonstrate his extraordinary patience as an example to those who would believe in him for eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
The Youth We Care About Can't Afford for Us to Ignore the Problem
"In one survey of 16 to 18-year-old Americans, nearly every participant reported learning about sex by watching porn, and many of the young women said they felt pressured to play out the 'scripts' their male partners had learned from porn. They felt badgered into having sex in uncomfortable positions, faking sexual responses, and consenting to unpleasant or painful acts."
- Fight the New Drug